Thanks again to Krista for indulging me. 
Feeling Deflated
This day did not start out well. I accomplished a few things this morning but then as usual I found myself at the computer. I was reading various blogs that were making me feel like I was loading bricks into a backpack carried by my spirit. I was quite blogged down, if you will. You know, sometimes you read something on a blog that provides you with a link to another blog, etc. Well I was on a trail of tough moral questions, death and tragedy. The weight of the world.Well I had to run some errands before a staff meeting I had to be at so I pulled myself away from the black hole that was dragging me down into a depressed abyss and gathered up the boys. After loading everything in the car (why does it seem like I am packed for a European tour when I leave the house for a few hours?) I backed out into the driveway. Something didn't feel right. Flat tire.
You know how sometimes you are feeling so down that you are just apathetic? Past the point of frustration or tears. Just . . . whatever. Bring it on, it won't phase me.
I can't say what turned my mood. I knew I needed to snap out of it. My orange flowers certainly helped me cheer up. About 75% of the flowers I planted in my yard are orange. Now that fall is coming it seems just right.
This helped too. Seriously moms, am I wrong? A smile from the offspring does wonders.
I just want to send a little cheer out to all of my readers. There is so much chaos out there in the big world. The burdened economy, the angry political campaigns, and natural disasters leaving devastation in their path.
My friend Jaymie who has been through something terrible has demonstrated to me that happiness is a choice. So I will be optimistic, did I not learn anything from President Hinckley?
In the words of Tim Myers "Life is beautiful it's true when I balance what I do and enjoy the world in front of me." (Listen/See below.)
So to those who are still reading, I reward you with a great quote I read on the blog of my friend Stephanie(who exudes joy):
“Don’t ask what the world needs. Ask what makes you come alive, and go do it. Because what the world needs is people who have come alive.” Howard Thurman
Just Another Day in Paradise
Eli is an angel in many ways. He has me wrapped around his little finger with his elfin smiles and his lower-lip pucker kiss. He is really a pleasant toddler most days and I am told he is a Mama's Boy. The other day while Cameron was at preschool I found Eli in this state. He had cuddled up to his blanket on the floor and fallen asleep. These are the kind of things that can only happen when the 3 year old is not present. But he looked so innocent. Each child has endearing qualities at different ages and right now Eli is just irresistable. Well, for the most part...
Cameron never did anything like this. I foolishly believed it was good parenting. He knew better, we'd taught him better. But now I know it was a lot of luck and a lot of personality. He just didn't have a destructive nature at that age. No coloring on walls, no pulling books off shelves over and over, no throwing my cell phone in a toilet, nothing like that.
Well thankfully modern technology has blessed us with things like washable crayons and magic eraser and taking care of Eli's artwork which was ALL OVER was not too difficult. I guess part of the reason I was so frustrated was because I had just given myself a blister sharpening the box of colored pencils for the boys. (A blister from sharpening pencils!) And this is how they thank me. Alas, just another day in paradise.
Cameron never did anything like this. I foolishly believed it was good parenting. He knew better, we'd taught him better. But now I know it was a lot of luck and a lot of personality. He just didn't have a destructive nature at that age. No coloring on walls, no pulling books off shelves over and over, no throwing my cell phone in a toilet, nothing like that.Well thankfully modern technology has blessed us with things like washable crayons and magic eraser and taking care of Eli's artwork which was ALL OVER was not too difficult. I guess part of the reason I was so frustrated was because I had just given myself a blister sharpening the box of colored pencils for the boys. (A blister from sharpening pencils!) And this is how they thank me. Alas, just another day in paradise.
Pre-school
Today Cameron started preschool. It's just a group of moms I know with kids who will start kindergarten in two years. We joke that it's mostly a glamorized playgroup. Anyway, Cameron had his first day today and did it in true Cameron style. He cried and cried when I dropped him off because he was scared, and then cried and cried when I picked him up because he didn't want to leave. There's an adaptable kid for ya. He came home and wanted to color with his new crayons and went a little crazy with his new scissors. (Who needs the bills anyway? Why did I even bother buying a shredder?)
Off we go...
into the wild blue yonder. Saturday was the Gunfighter Skies Air Show at the Mountain Home Air Force Base. You can't get much better than that for a 3 year old boy who loves airplanes and all things that vroom. 
As usual a highlight for me was the national anthem. They had a jumper with an American flag attached to his parachute who gracefully coasted down through the sky while a quartet sang the anthem. It was great. I'm not sure why the national anthem just gets to me. 
This is a C-17 I think. It is a huge aircraft that the Wings of Blue jumpers jumped out of. This isn't the one in the air show. They had various planes all around that you could go inside or look at up close. Actually the C-17 in the air show was from McCord AFB in Tacoma, where Bryan is stationed. (We thought of you all day Bry.)
This is Cameron and his friend Lizzie, the daughter of friends of ours who live in Mountain Home and met up with us for the show.
I didn't get many decent pictures of the aircraft in the sky. Too fast and too far away I guess. But we all loved the Apache helicopters. They played out a scene with three apaches making a "rescue". It was pretty neat.
Eli did not like the F-15 airplanes. They were very loud and he was very scared I guess. We had a good time though and I'm sure Cameron will be begging to go back.
As usual a highlight for me was the national anthem. They had a jumper with an American flag attached to his parachute who gracefully coasted down through the sky while a quartet sang the anthem. It was great. I'm not sure why the national anthem just gets to me. This is a C-17 I think. It is a huge aircraft that the Wings of Blue jumpers jumped out of. This isn't the one in the air show. They had various planes all around that you could go inside or look at up close. Actually the C-17 in the air show was from McCord AFB in Tacoma, where Bryan is stationed. (We thought of you all day Bry.)
This is Cameron and his friend Lizzie, the daughter of friends of ours who live in Mountain Home and met up with us for the show.
I didn't get many decent pictures of the aircraft in the sky. Too fast and too far away I guess. But we all loved the Apache helicopters. They played out a scene with three apaches making a "rescue". It was pretty neat.
Eli did not like the F-15 airplanes. They were very loud and he was very scared I guess. We had a good time though and I'm sure Cameron will be begging to go back.There You Have It
There has been much debate and discussion these past few weeks about the Proposition 8 in California and religion and such topics. I found myself feeling frustrated but completely unable to articulate my feelings. Richard shared the following link with me. It is an official statement made by the LDS Church, and I'll warn you it is very long. But it is well worth the read. There are many facets to this issue that had never occurred to me, and never would have without someone bringing them to my attention. I love it because it is very well written, unashamedly declares truth, and refutes the arguments made against it. The Proclamation to the World on the Family asks "“We call upon responsible citizens... to promote those measures designed to maintain and strengthen the family as the fundamental unit of society.” Give it a read.
http://newsroom.lds.org/ldsnewsroom/eng/commentary/the-divine-institution-of-marriage
http://newsroom.lds.org/ldsnewsroom/eng/commentary/the-divine-institution-of-marriage
Compromise
College football pretty much dominates our Saturdays in the fall. But last weekend was Art in the Park and so Richard compromised a little; a few hours looking at photos and paintings in the sunshine in exchange for a few hours of BYU vs. U Dub. (Which was a great game I must admit.)
This is me holding a snake that belonged to the man on the cell-phone. (He was a bit of shady character but Cameron thought it was pretty cool that I was holding a snake.)
Face painting... and toddler painting. Here we have Eli van Gogh...
and Cameron Rembrandt.
We had a great time. Richard enjoyed a Pronto Pup and I splurged on a crepe. It was a beautiful fall day and by the time we got to Gordon and Julie's for the game I was ready to sit on a couch and relax for awhile.
This is me holding a snake that belonged to the man on the cell-phone. (He was a bit of shady character but Cameron thought it was pretty cool that I was holding a snake.)
Face painting... and toddler painting. Here we have Eli van Gogh...
and Cameron Rembrandt.
We had a great time. Richard enjoyed a Pronto Pup and I splurged on a crepe. It was a beautiful fall day and by the time we got to Gordon and Julie's for the game I was ready to sit on a couch and relax for awhile.Here She Goes Again
Authenticity, Part II
The other day at church a friend of mine came up to me and put her arm around me and told me that she really liked me. It made my day. But I was a little surprised at myself. I never took myself for one of those people who needed a hug or smile to recall my self-worth. I was sure I had enough security without the reassurance of others. But let’s face it, I am one of those people. I like to know, and especially to hear that someone likes me. Is that such a bad thing though? The more I think about it the more I realize how human that is. How real it is. So now I want to hug everyone and quit pretending that I don’t need their attention. I want to be sincere. I want to be totally genuine and treat people the way my conscience tells me to treat them.
Going back to my last post about authenticity. I’ve broken it down into two thoughts.
1. Making judgement
2. Everything thereafter
So my first task is to train myself to make careful and cautious judgements. Sometimes judgements are necessary. A mother looking for adoptive parents for her unborn child has to make some very important judgements, with what might seem like grossly inadequte time or information. But some judgements are hurtful and result in great loss. My new catch-phrase for judging is a line from a hymn. “In the quiet heart is hidden sorrow that the eye can’t see.” I’ve learned this lesson many times and yet still I criticize.
My next task is the “thereafter”. In my relationships with people I want to try to break down the selfish barriers that protect me from vulnerability and prevent me from realness. This is a particular weakness for me. I am so afraid of rejection that I avoid making invitations. I am so worried about being annoying that I don’t make a phone call just to talk. I want to protect someone’s feelings so I am deceptive or dishonest. (I know that sometimes that might be a good thing, but I think I do it to a fault.) I want to “relate” to my co-workers so I join in the gossip-fest. I know truth but fear keeps me from sharing it. Those are my barriers to sincerity. In one of my favorite books “Bonds That Make Us Free” C. Terry Warner sums up what I am trying to say.
“What does it take to achieve emotional intimacy? The fundamental ingredient is an awakening of each individual to others and a willing effort to respond without any personal agenda in exactly the way that seems most right, considerate, and helpful.”
I am so weary of answering questions based on all the wrong things. “What does she want me to say?” “What will make her like me?” “What will impress him?” “What would so-and-so say?” What a burden it is to muddle through all the self-agendas to get to an answer or reponse. It’s a wonder I even want to talk to people. All of my artificial dialogue is weighing me down.
In my good moments when I answer according to what I feel, what my conscience says is good, rather than what I think is the “right” answer I feel completely liberated. It feels honest and real. I usually only have the strength to be my best self when my self-confidence is strong and my heart is full of charity.
So to follow-up from my last post. I believe I can treat people the same. I can treat all people with open-mindedness and kindness, and if they feel my sincerity they might easily forgive any poor assumptions.
It seems fitting to end this pontification with another work experience. Yesterday my 83-year old patient asked me if I had had a hug yet that day. Not two seconds after I answered “No” she wrapped me in the kindest embrace. So real. So awesome. I hope it doesn’t take me 83 years to get there.
The other day at church a friend of mine came up to me and put her arm around me and told me that she really liked me. It made my day. But I was a little surprised at myself. I never took myself for one of those people who needed a hug or smile to recall my self-worth. I was sure I had enough security without the reassurance of others. But let’s face it, I am one of those people. I like to know, and especially to hear that someone likes me. Is that such a bad thing though? The more I think about it the more I realize how human that is. How real it is. So now I want to hug everyone and quit pretending that I don’t need their attention. I want to be sincere. I want to be totally genuine and treat people the way my conscience tells me to treat them.
Going back to my last post about authenticity. I’ve broken it down into two thoughts.
1. Making judgement
2. Everything thereafter
So my first task is to train myself to make careful and cautious judgements. Sometimes judgements are necessary. A mother looking for adoptive parents for her unborn child has to make some very important judgements, with what might seem like grossly inadequte time or information. But some judgements are hurtful and result in great loss. My new catch-phrase for judging is a line from a hymn. “In the quiet heart is hidden sorrow that the eye can’t see.” I’ve learned this lesson many times and yet still I criticize.
My next task is the “thereafter”. In my relationships with people I want to try to break down the selfish barriers that protect me from vulnerability and prevent me from realness. This is a particular weakness for me. I am so afraid of rejection that I avoid making invitations. I am so worried about being annoying that I don’t make a phone call just to talk. I want to protect someone’s feelings so I am deceptive or dishonest. (I know that sometimes that might be a good thing, but I think I do it to a fault.) I want to “relate” to my co-workers so I join in the gossip-fest. I know truth but fear keeps me from sharing it. Those are my barriers to sincerity. In one of my favorite books “Bonds That Make Us Free” C. Terry Warner sums up what I am trying to say.
“What does it take to achieve emotional intimacy? The fundamental ingredient is an awakening of each individual to others and a willing effort to respond without any personal agenda in exactly the way that seems most right, considerate, and helpful.”
I am so weary of answering questions based on all the wrong things. “What does she want me to say?” “What will make her like me?” “What will impress him?” “What would so-and-so say?” What a burden it is to muddle through all the self-agendas to get to an answer or reponse. It’s a wonder I even want to talk to people. All of my artificial dialogue is weighing me down.
In my good moments when I answer according to what I feel, what my conscience says is good, rather than what I think is the “right” answer I feel completely liberated. It feels honest and real. I usually only have the strength to be my best self when my self-confidence is strong and my heart is full of charity.
So to follow-up from my last post. I believe I can treat people the same. I can treat all people with open-mindedness and kindness, and if they feel my sincerity they might easily forgive any poor assumptions.
It seems fitting to end this pontification with another work experience. Yesterday my 83-year old patient asked me if I had had a hug yet that day. Not two seconds after I answered “No” she wrapped me in the kindest embrace. So real. So awesome. I hope it doesn’t take me 83 years to get there.
Last Summer Outing
I don't know if Labor Day counts as summer, I know that technically summer lasts until September 21st, but it wasn't really summer weather. Since we started summer with a hike on Memorial Day we thought it fitting to cap it off with a hike on Labor Day. This is Cameron before we left when he was "so et-sighted!"
Things are a lot prettier in May than they are in September. But the cool weather was kind of nice. Idaho desert was enough to make Cameron and the dogs happy.
Eli was a great passenger in the carrier pack and was thrilled to take a break and pick up some rocks. This kid just loves rocks. It was one of his first words, but he only refers to them in the plural. He won't just say "rock" it is always "rocks". 
Calling all Internet Users
And obviously that includes anyone reading these words. Our internet service is up this month and I'm investigating other options. I thought about doing a cute little poll on my blog but I am so illiterate about internet services I didn't know what to put for the choices. So fellow internet customers, who is happy with their service and who isn't, and what is your service? Help a sista out!
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