Deep breath.
Here we go.
Several months ago I dipped my toe in the waters of Facebook. I registered at the request of some college friends as a way to stay in touch. At that time I wasn’t familiar with the ins and outs of Facebook (I guess I’m still not) and so months went by where I didn’t ever pay any attention to it.
It seems that in the last month or so I have fully boarded the Facebook bandwagon. I’ve spent a good deal of time looking up people to re-establish contact (if you can call it that) and get updates (if you can call them that) about how they are doing. I have been generally successful in finding friends from my past and “re-connecting”. Making those original discoveries sent me into a tailspin of nostalgia.
So on a quiet Sunday afternoon while all the boys napped I dove headfirst into memories. I opened up my green trunk that contains all my memorabilia from childhood up to marriage. (Approximately.) I especially focused on one box. 
This box contains letters written to me during a period of ten months while my family lived in Virginia. After reading through these letters I am convinced that a movie could be made from them, from my perspective of the drama and desperation of a group of 15 year old girls at Fairmont Junior High.
So after reading many of them for the first time in years, and pretty much laughing myself silly all alone there in the playroom, I plunged further into reminiscence. So I went back to facebook. I looked at the ‘walls’ of these my jr. high friends. And…
I am left completely unsatisfied. So dear readers, I am in need of your feedback. I need to know…
Is it normal and healthy for me to want to reestablish REAL friendships again with these, now women, spread out across the country? Is it even possible? Have our paths diverged too far?
Or
Am I a pathetic loser unwilling to let go of the past and move on, finding satisfaction in new friendships? Because, chances are, that my dear friends have already done so?
****Comments are back, for now, by necessity. I know the term 'pathetic loser' is a little harsh, but please, be honest.****
11 comments:
Tough question... this is something I have thought a little about and it frustrates me a little. I understand old friends, especially from college or even before, are spread out, we have our own families and our own lives. I just don't understand why these things have to separate our friendship. Why can't we call each other every so often, email each other or gchat when something really strikes us and just chat for a few minutes... but for some reason this is all too difficult.
Bryan explained to me there are different kinds of friendships. Growing up I had a best friend since I can remember. Now, we are both married and we don't talk as much. Although, my memories will never forget her or our friendship, our friendship has changed. This is contrasted with an old roommate who is not married and yet we find time to talk about once a month. She has only been in my life for 5 years (versus 20+) and yet we talk more often. Some friends are for a time some for a lifetime.
Right, I better stop... but having those feelings is a great desire but I can't promise it is possible. And you may find that a particular friend was your friend for that period in your life.
Hey Jo!
Lou's sister here...I, too, have started to skim facebook and see what people have been up to. I have starting talking to 1 other person and it is really great that we contacted each other because it is a friendship that would have been lost otherwise. So, I say...Go for it! There is no harm in talking to people again because if they aren't interested in a friendship then you'll know. Besides, people like to feel like they are thought of and this will let someone know that you are thinking of them. I see it only as a positive. Good luck! Keep us posted!
I think in general friendship is proportional to the amount of time you can invest in it. If you can afford to spend lots of time at the computer, then go for it. If not, then invest it on someone/somewhere else. Speaking of friends, I'm missing my Public Accounting Widow friend. It's a good thing I will see you on Friday.
I've thought about this too. I have found some old friends from over 20 years ago. It's been great to catch up and see what they are up to. I do like FB so i can leave a quick message when i have a chance instead of feeling like i have to write a whole letter or set aside time to talk on the phone. I think it just depends on how much effort you want to put into it and you can only do your part. I say you don't know if you don't try. Go for it! And with that i am going to go find you on FB! :)
First of all, I'm glad your comments are back, b/c I have wanted to say a couple of things here and there but didn't want to take the extra time to email. Aren't I lazy? ;o)
So, about friends. To answer your first question, I think it's great you want to reestablish contact with old friends. I have wanted to do the same and maintain contact over the years, but save for Michelle and one other person, I don't have regular contact with anyone. I have assumed it's me, that I was their friend back then, for THAT time, like someone talked about. It has actually been lonely and painful at times to be reaching out and it never be reciprocated. I think people are just really busy (or so I tell myself - it's better than eating a whole pan of brownies when I feel rejected.) Most of them have jobs in addition to families, so keeping up long distance is harder. I say that for you to just keep in mind, because we seem to have some of the same tendencies, so try not to take it personally if frequent, regular contact isn't immediate or never comes about. You need to go for it! It's fun, even if you just comment on each other's status updates every couple of weeks.
For your second question, there's a difference of living in the past and remembering it. You are the latter. A lot of who we are is tied into those memories and people, and to just wipe them off the slate is unnatural, unless it was a bad time. Don't feel bad for reminiscing and looking back. It helps to remind you where you came from and see how much you've grown! But if you put yourself to sleep every night reading those letters over and over again, then I think you'd have a problem not letting go. LOL
I'm sorry to be talking so much. One other thing and I'm done. I have frequently found that I ASSUME that everyone else has tons of friends, or a best friend or family they do things with and they don't need me and/or aren't interested in having me as a friend, so I sit home all alone and feel sorry for myself. Then I happen to have a conversation with a woman who opens up about being lonely (just like me!) and not having any friends (just like me!) and a new opportunity has just presented itself. It has happened twice in the last year. So just keep all your options open!
OK, I'm done. Sorry for rambling. Hopefully you haven't hurt your head on the keyboard from dozing. =D
Women tend to busy themselves with their kids, jobs, homes, hubbies, church, and don't take time to nurture friendships. There have been many times where I wished I had kept some sort of contact with old friends but then I get side tracked with other things and don't get around to it. I think it is great to try and rekindle friendships. By the way, your hair looked pretty at church. It is getting long. I meant to tell you earlier, but I never saw you again in the hall.
I LOVE reconnecting with people and establishing, once again, a real relationship with them-- a real friendship and connection, not just a "wonder how that person is doing" on occasion. Maybe it's just me, but why let go of, or not make the most of, a friendship! You never know what might become of it in the end. I love that my grandparents still keep in touch with their high school friends, go to their family events, travel together, etc. That's what I want when I'm 80 years old.
And p.s. I like the comments back on the blog-- I was going to comment on poor Eli's ER visit-- glad he took it okay! We thought last Easter that our Brennan needed stitches in his lip and I just couldn't imagine holding him down for that. Poor little guy- maybe you should have him wear a football helmet :)
It is only possible to reestablish the friendships if your friends are willing to invest the time. I haven't had much luck in this area. My best friend from junior high and high school NEVER calls me, not even on my birthday. I still send her birthday presents every year!! I am bummed, but there is nothing I can do about it. I just keep at it, because I WANT to send her gifts and call her and try to visit when I go down to Utah. I hope someday it will be more of a priority for her, but there is a good chance that it won't be. I have no choice but to be happy with how things are because I do my best and I can't do anymore than that. (This is just one example of my experience in this area) I hope you have better luck than me!!
I will probably just say what everyone else has said...but here are my random, separate thoughts.
You never know who is looking for a friend. It could be someone in a close proximity, far, from youth or not.
Sometimes (esp. winter) when I have a hard time getting out, it is nice to still have social interaction through my computer (That sounds SO sad.) But I mean, I still feel in touch with far away people through blogging, even though we are not having a traditional conversation. And close people too, for that matter.
I have had a hard time making GOOD friends here in Pokey. I just don't feel like people are interested, or maybe that is what I perceive, and so it is. I would love to rekindle some of those old friendships that you are referring to also, as long as they want to.
Hope that wasn't too random. It makes sense in my head...
First, Damien Rice. Love him. First heard 9 crimes performed on the Tonight Show and instantly fell in love. I still have it on my DVR. I can't bring myself to erase it.
Next, and I feel kind of silly typing this as I have never met you (although, we are bonded for life, so I guess all is well), but I have reconnected with past high school friends with mixed results.
My 10 year reunion was in 2007, and my old group of girlfriends began the process of rekindling friendships. In the beginning, it was magical. To reminisce and relive some of my favorite memories of growing up: priceless.
But as the months went on, I began to realize that the foundation for our friendships had deteriorated. We had all taken our own paths and those paths had essentially changed who we were. The personalities that meshed so well before had disappeared with the crimpers. We could no longer maintain the friendships of the past because, once the reminiscing had been exhausted, we no longer held common ground, common interests, common gossip.
I still use Facebook to keep tabs on them, but I learned a valuable lesson. I don't want to be the "ST ENDS" to my "BE FRI." It was like trying to fit a round peg into a square hole. I had to essentially be the girl they remembered me as in order to make our friendships work, and I did not want to revert back.
So I say, attempt it. Maybe your friends are different, and you will all magically fall back into a friendship routine that feels less forced than mine. But in all likelihood, you have grown and changed so much that the end result might be similar to mine. My advice, cherish the friends you have discovered in your adult life. I had been longing for those old bonds, feeling as if my life lacked the support of true girlfriends. Truth be told, I was just unaware of how blessed I was in the friend department until my master plan to flawlessly reunite my old posse backfired.
And there's my 2 cents (actually given the current state of the economy and taking inflation into account, it might be more like 1 cent, but who's counting?)
jo,
i think it is a great idea to reconnect with old friends. if we thought that the friends we make today will mean nothing in the years to come, then whats the point??? i mean, sure their are some people that are just your "hi" friends in the hall, but the ones you really connected with are worth your frinedship always. i believe that you can never have too many friends.
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